My world ends with
by Roboninks
Summary: Mathew Williams is a troubled child, attempting suicide only to be saved by a thick coated feline set on getting in his way.A silver haired man with eyes of fire follows in due course.Will Mathew do what he couldn't for his brother?Smutt & violence.Enjoy.
1. Plummet then perish

Plummet then Perish

Maybe he should have used a gun,

He pondered as he looked down the side of the Wellington square building. Grey and dull looking just like he approved himself to be. Ten floors of residential housing right across from Stanley Park, yes this seemed like a comfortable place to die. No doubt the residents of the building would be furious that a young man jumped off their roof but, he figured he would be dead by then, so it didn't matter too much to him.

The wind blew strongly at this height making him shiver, and wrap his lanky coat tighter against the pale expanse of his smooth skin. In the freezing temperature little skeleton like trees dotted down the street, making him hope he wouldn't crash into one, delaying his enviable death. Toronto was a quiet place at three in the morning, especially in this sleepy suburban area. Street lights were placed every few steps flickering silently in the frozen breeze.

He sighed and took a step closer towards the edge, his stomach in tense knots.

Maybe- No, he growled. He was going to do it, he was going to jump and finish his terrible life off.

Then h-he w-w-would, tears streamed down his distressed face. Was he so weak, that he couldn't even take his own life? Why did his thoughts of suicide hurt so much?

"Useless!" He sobbed "You're so useless!"

You couldn't be a good son, you refused to get good grades in school, and you can't stand up for yourself! I' am sure nobody loves you one bit! You'll be alone forever! A loser! You're nothing! I hate you!

He went silent, tired of the long mentally straining assault on himself.

He felt so empty, so lost, so very alone. There was a hole in his heart, and he was sure it was hollow. He lay down upon the icy roof shivering.

Maybe he should freeze to death?

No... It'd take too long... I'll just go with the first plan. He was so tired; crying always took so much out of him, maybe a little too much.

He got up, stepping towards the edge, feeling a numb ache.

Yes numb, just let the world go numb, he told himself.

Once he wondered if there was a demon inside him, but now he refused to think such things.

He was the demon, and nothing could change that.

Enough, of this pity party he half smiled, teetering close to the edge, just do what you planned before, plummet then perish.

Falling felt like the best way to go out for him. He liked the feeling that it would never end, But then, splat and it was all over.

He giggled, hysteria making a last remark before he tipped slowly over the edge, head first, smiling at the remints of his world.

No, going out with a smile was the best way to go, he corrected, just like his brother had.

The floors went by rapidly; he could almost count them as they went by, wind howled violently in his ear but He refused to scream when he approached his final destination.

Crap!

His eyes bulged, a freaking cat!

He pushed his leg against the building as hard as he could, hearing something snap, making bile claw up his throat quickly afterwards.

Smash! Right Into a tree.

Stillness announced his arrival and he groaned, feeling like a train wreck. He moved his arm instantly regretting it.

Ugh!

The weight shifted him, and he fell from the last few strong branches onto the ground.

Wind whipped against his battered figure chasing little white flakes around his body, while he stared at the crimson puddle around him. He must have looked like a stain on a perfect ivory sheet.

Dear god it hurt more than anything he could ever imagine. The thick coated cat purred and rubbed against his face.

"Ow" He croaked. "Stupid cat"

He didn't think he could have taken another life with him into the beyond, if he wanted to. The rims of his vision began to fade. He felt sick and tired, but most of all in agonizing pain. He just wanted to die all ready.

"What a mess" Someone stated with distaste.

He would have laughed if he could see, or even whisper a chuckle but death had another plan for him. It amused him to no end, that this would be the way people remembered him.

A disgusting mess on the pavement. Only a bitter dilemma that needed to be cleaned up.

What the funny thing was he agreed entirely with them. He was just another messed up kid, in this messed up world, and that was his last thought before he could think no longer. Silence was his only companion now, silence and his grave.


	2. Waxen walls

Waxen Walls

Beep

Beep, beep.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

He groaned. Everything felt like it was pulsing. With every push of compressed air he felt a sore sting of an old ache, and with every release he felt bliss.

"W-where?" His voice sounded scratchy and old as if it hadn't been used in a long time. A slow rhythmic beeping sound came from a monitor beside him. An oxygen mask had been placed over his mouth, creating a push and pull of air through his lungs.

A hospital? He remembered falling, and a crack. He must be dead, he mused. How ironic he was in a hospital then. Perhaps the afterlife was a cruel and unforgiving place after all. Maybe he was in hell. Well… He didn't imagine hell being this sterile that's for sure. He wondered if any on was going to come in, so while he waited, he stared at the waxen walls of his small room. One chair, he counted, no flowers, no cards, balloons, nothing to show anyone cared. They say you die alone, so maybe you spend the afterlife alone as well. But there had to be someone here. He strained to hear, if anyone was in the hall but to no avail. It must be hell then. Was dying the right choice? Would he had been happier alive? He wondered where his brother was. His heart wrenched in pain. No of course his brother wouldn't be in hell, his brother was strong, and proud, much nobler than anyone he knew. His brother had given him the greatest sacrifice anyone ever could give, and he let it go to waste.

A tear drop rolled down his cheek and he tried to wipe it away. But then again, who would see him cry in hell?

No one.

He wasn't in agonizing pain like he was when he died, and that added to the assurance that he truly was dead, until.

"Good morning Mathew Kirkland, and how are you feeling today? I've just come in to do a couple of tests. Are you well enough to speak Mathew? You don't mind if I call you Mathew right?" She smiled brightly and moved about the room collecting needles and pricking him every so often, making a cheery humming sound at the end of every procedure. He just lay in complete shock.

But!

I!

No!

His eyes welled up in tears as she left with a clipboard full of test results, closing the door quietly behind her.

"N-No!" He whimpered.

I've failed.

How! How had he survived! He was so sure!

So very… Sure...

The cat must have...

He accidentally saved his life because he saved that cat, that stupid cat! His sobs turned to laughter then back to wailing in a single moment. It hurt! His chest hurt, his heart, even his head hurt with the wracking tears that tormented his soul. He stopped abruptly, staring at the monitor. It was plugged in to a small port just close enough for him to reach. Big mistake, he chortled. He was still right; there was no indication of people being here before hand, nobody cared. He was so right it cut him, to the core. He just wanted the pain to stop! He wanted the world to stop! He wanted to stop his very own heart! He lunged for the plug and pulled.

The monitor went silent, and the world started to fade again.

He could almost smile.

Almost.

Nurses and doctors burst into the room accompanied by a very annoyed looking man around his age.

"For god's sake! For five fucking minutes could you just not try to die!" The man roared.

He went silent as the rest of the world faded away.

Perhaps.

That was the first time I really met you.


	3. You

You

He heard the sound again.

The sound that meant he was still alive. It annoyed him to no end. With each high pitched intonation, he went insane. Although it wasn't entirely unlikely that he was mad to begin with.

Please make it stop, please!

But no relief came, just the unwavering beat of his heart and a senseless feeling of dread.

His eyes flickered open, adjusting to the dim light.

It was in the evening, he was sure of it.

He drew his eyes towards the half drawn blinds to study the large region of what he suspected to be Toronto landscape. Small white flakes darted past the window, revealing a spacious parking lot of frozen vehicles. To his right he heard soft snoring making his heart thump franticly, and he whipped his head to the side only to see…

Him.

That arse. The one, he supposed saved his life. He glared daggers at the man's sleeping form with discontent. Silver hair, and a tall muscular form, what did he think he was? A hero! His heart wrenched again.

"That was a bad taste in words" He muttered to himself.

The silver haired heathen stirred quietly, but continued snoring uninterrupted.

"Hey!" He growled, wincing at his raw throat.

"Meerrffhh…"

The slumbering man shifted, rubbing his eyes languidly in the shaded room.

"Hmm? You're up..." The man yawned.

He glared at what he considered to be a delinquent, bent on saving him at any given moment.

"You were a real mess when I found ya" The young looking man smiled sleepily.

Suddenly it dawned upon him; this was the person who commented on his sorry state when he was found. This was the man that dragged him into the ambulance, or at least the one who called them in the first place.

"Who are you?" He half whimpered, trying desperately to hold his composure, Overcome with emotions he cared not to admit. Like hell he was happy to be saved!

He grunted feeling his arms and legs in restraints.

"That's so you don't repeat what happened last time" The man noticed him squirming and grinned like it was freaking hilarious.

He decided not to struggle; demeaning what little was left of his pride, and stayed silent.

"And to answer your other question, my name is Gilbert"

"Last name?"

"It's a secret" Gilbert chortled.

He scowled, sure that maybe eventually the annoying man would notice that, he was trying to bore a whole through his thick skull.

"So what's your name kid?"

Maybe not.

"Come on don't be like that!" He whined after a long silence.

"Mathew Williams, now why are you here?" What he really wanted to ask, was why the man had saved his life, but that would come later.

"I saved your life"

Or maybe now.

"Why?" He demanded. "Why the hell did you do that!"

He didn't care if his screams hurt, nor if tears quickly coursed down his face, all he cared was if he could strangle this man sitting beside him.

The Man had ruined everything! Now he would be placed on suicide watch, and his father would lecture him, on the meaning of his life and how it wasn't his fault! He didn't think he could handle it.

"Monster" He sobbed.

"Whoa! I saved your life and you're calling me a monster! What the hell is wrong with you!"

"What do you think! I jumped off a god damn building!"

The room went silent.

"Why'd ya do it kid?"

"I' am not a kid..." He murmured. "And that's none of your business..."

The man named gilbert frowned. "I think it is."

He still refused to acknowledge the man as gilbert for two grim reasons. The first, because he was absolutely aggravating, and the second, was he saved his life, a sin he considered most evil.

The man named gilbert, as he was keen on calling him, Sighed, looking as if he'd given up questioning him and slouched back into the chair.

"You know your father called" The man mused. "He was really worried"

"Then why isn't he here?" He gave up questioning the man as well, switching to a demanding tone yet again.

"Work" The man clucked his tongue thoughtfully.

Of course it was work, it was always _work_. His son was in the hospital? Well that's too damn bad because _protecting the streets _as his father once said, is much more important. He wondered of his father really was worried or the man was just making it up to make him feel better.

"Of course" He said calmly, hoping that the man didn't see a small tear gliding halfway down his cheek.

The man made a sad face at the tear and wiped it away, making him notice the silver haired man's deep crimson eyes almost the colour of blood.

He sat gawking at the red irises barely noticing when the man's thoughtful face switched to realisation staring back into his eyes. They held their stare, growing more intense by the moment. They both stayed still not noticing when his heart monitor jumped rapidly as gilbert drew closer.

Yes he was gilbert now, he heard somewhere in the back of his mind, but not caring otherwise.

His eyes lidded. Was he really doing this? Panic rose quietly in his chest, but he could not break from the man's fiery eyes.

Perhaps if he got close enough.

He would burn…

The monitor's sounds grew faster and faster until their lips met, and the world disappeared around them. Silence and those warm lips was all he knew, and felt would always be.

Gilbert jolted backwards tipping over his chair, hand clasped over his mouth like the man had done something wrong, and he felt like he should to do the same, if his arms weren't immobilized.

"I-…sorry…"

With that the man fled the room without another word.

He could still feel a slight tingle on his lower lip so he pressed his teeth against it willing it away.

He never had a relationship with another man before, let alone a woman.

Was…was he? No... He refused the mere possibility of it. Being gay was widely accepted now days but he still didn't want to be any more different than he was. Did being gay make you different? They say love has no gender, no race, not even a form, so why shouldn't it be the most natural, normal thing in the world?

He shivered, not knowing what to do.

But somehow he knew that, the kiss had changed things.

If not he then, everything that was around him.

He felt as if the world had a new found clarity.

He didn't have to admit anything right away... Who knows it could have been a misconception, but the kiss still stood. It lingered on his lips. He felt it in his heart, still wildly thumping away on the monitor screen.

And at that moment he realised his life didn't end with his brother.

It was still curling adapting, feeling, with new found life just barely teetering under the surface.

Not if he had anything to do about it.

He clenched his fist.

He was going to end his life one way or another, he determined. This was only a minor delay in his master plan.

Just a delay…

All thought out by you.


	4. Distressing Dreams

Distressing Dreams

He heard laughter.

Was he laughing?

No he hadn't laughed in such a long time.

It was only a painful echo of the past, weaving around him, dragging his body down deeper.

Deeper into what?

His head was swirling… Or was it staying in the same place? He couldn't tell.

It was dark.

No.

It was pitch black.

And empty.

Oh so empty.

Like him.

He was drifting. Drifting to some where he didn't want to go. To a literal nightmare of a reality.

To that dream, again.

Of him.

His face.

His smile.

His sacrifice.

All for him.

"_Hey Mattie!"_

No please, not this dream!

"_What did you think of the movie!"_

"_It was good" I smiled._

_He grinned._

"_I liked the part with the huge explosion! You know, the part where he blew up the building!"_

"_There were a lot of explosions Al, you'll have to be more specific" But I smiled more._

_These few evenings that I could spend with my brother were always filled with his boisterous chatting and beaming smiles. He was like my own personal ball of sunshine, even if it was dark he could still bring me into a good mood. _

_Always kind and self-righteous, bringing me to movies, spending time with me when nobody else would. _

_He was a model older brother, if not a bit immature. And I loved him, because that's just what a younger brother is supposed to do._

_He pointed at an alley and said "Let's cut through here! Maybe if we get home earlier, dad will let us watch the recorded game on the big screen"_

"_It's already late, why don't we just walk home normally"_

"_Come on Mattie!" He whined "Let's go!"_

_I sighed and looked at the time. It was eleven, by the time we got home it would be around midnight, and there was no way dad would let an obnoxious teenager watch football in the middle of the night screaming at the ref. Let alone a second one if they decided to watch the hockey game. I was about to explain this to him until he grabbed my wrist and dragged me down the alley way._

_What was I thinking; I couldn't explain anything to him. He was my stubborn brother after all._

_We weaved around the sides of buildings, going past a road every now and then, only to be reassured by him every block we were going the right way, until._

_We stopped._

_He let go of my hand. I wasn't even aware that he was still holding it._

_He was still with a small frown on his face._

"_What's wrong Al?"_

"_We're… Lost… Sorry."_

"_What? Lost? Jeez Al. Well nothing we can do, lets back track or call a taxi" I tried to smile but had a bad feeling. _

_I felt a cold chill go through my heart. _

_But how? It was warm out._

_I looked around and saw we were at a dead end. I looked behind us, and there was a car parked in the middle of the sidewalk blocking our path._

"_What's going on Al?"_

_He stayed silent, and I started to panic._

_There was some shifting in the car and a large man slowly opened the door facing us and silently closed it. He was tall wearing a black fedora that shaded his face, almost ominous in the dim alley way. _

"_Are you Mathew Williams? Son of Senior Inspector Arthur Kirkland?"_

_I stayed silent, looking up to my brother._

"_Sorry stupid question. I know you are Mathew Williams. Now," He pulled out a gun from his well-tailored jacket and pointed it directly at me._

"_I know this is a bit unorthodox, but you're just a kid so you should know, that my client has hired me to… Well get rid of you." The man tried to give a smile._

"_So… Um yeah… Sorry?"_

_I was shaking. Was this a joke? I gave out a squeaked giggle and the assassin looked sad._

"_I really am sorry kid money is money"_

"_N-no!" I shook harder, and my brothers face turned from placid to a determined grimace._

"_I' am really sorry Mattie, this is all my fault."_

"_What?" I felt tears well up in my eyes._

"_I should have listened to you"_

_I felt like there was an earth quake, and I was about to collapse._

"_I won't let him hurt you Mattie" He pushed me behind him._

_The Hired killer grimaced._

"_You know, I never used to be a killer!" He exclaimed. "I had a family, and kids, even a well-paying job!" He gestured with his gun towards the sky and Alfred tensed in front of me. _

"_Now look at me!" His face flashed angrily and he resumed pointing the gun at Al._

"_Are you going to shoot or what?" Alfred said calmly, and I almost smacked him, but then I noticed a small red light. _

_His phone!_

_I slowly reached for it, heart pounding rapidly. I quietly turned the volume down, while the man Walked closer, but I barely noticed. He was a talker, which meant we had time…_

_Nine… One… One…_

"_Hello what is your emergency?"_

_I heard a gun fire, and my shaking froze. _

_No._

_Dear god no!_

_My head whipped over tears already starting to stream down my face, and saw…_

_That Al was alright, I let out a breathy sigh of relief and the shaking worsened._

"_Did I just hear a phone?" The man asked playfully._

_I ignored him and thankfully remembered seeing a sign on the street before us._

_I hurriedly whispered it into the cellular device, and prayed to god, she heard._

"_We will be at your position shortly" And the line went dead._

_We might be able to get through this!_

_I heard another shot and almost fell to my knees. It came from the other side of us and I looked up to my brother again._

_He was unfazed, or so I thought until I saw a slight tremble of his shoulders, and I knew then he was as afraid as I was._

"_A-Al, I love you"_

"_I love you too Bro, we're going to get through this."_

_The man came closer grinning a little too widely._

_We were going to die._

_No not him! Anybody but Him!_

"_Please…" I whispered._

"_Please leave him alone!" I squeaked a little louder pushing away Alfred's trembling arms._

"_Tick, Tock, your Time is up, eh? Mathew Williams?" The man came a little closer._

"_Don't touch him!" Alfred yelled, but it was too late._

_The barrel was already on my forehead._

_I fell to my knees, shaking so hard my teeth almost chattered._

"_No!" He pushed me down, grabbing the gun in the same motion._

_I sat in horror as my brother wrestled with the deranged man, trying to pull the pistol out of his hands._

_That's all could do, I just sat there, Useless!_

_I heard it fire and my heart dropped. _

_My arms lost their tension. _

_And I screamed._

"_Alfred!"_

_It was long and echoed through the ally way, as my brother, my dear beloved brother convulsed on the ground. I ran over to him disregarding the mad man to his side._

_I shook him. "Al! Al! Al, don't die! Don't die!" I broke down leaning over him._

_Was I the one shaking him? _

_The world seemed so slow._

_No I was the one shaking._

_Alfred, reached up an arm and grabbed my shoulder pulling me close, and whispered quietly into my ear._

"_I' am sorry, Mathew. Looks like we can't watch the game tonight."_

_I slumped down on him, and shook._

"_Th-this isn't happening… You're still alive… I' am just asleep… Don't die, don't die!" It was like a sick mantra that only I could sing._

"_Not dead, not dead!"_

_The man who had been quietly watching pressed the gun to my head._

"_Its ok, you'll be ok"_

_I was numb not noticing his figure go limp under me, or the cold barrel against my skull._

"_It's just a dream, go away, and disappear. It's not real, wake up, wake up, Wake up!" I screamed._

"_Why won't you wake up, Al?" I sobbed._

_The gun was gone, with the man at the first sound of sirens. I continued to sob, and scream into his jacket._

"_Not here…"_

_I watched with glassy eyes as someone rolled me off him._

"_Just a bad dream" I assured his motionless body._

_There were lights and people shaking my body._

_Or was I just shaking again?_

_I couldn't tell._

_I stared at their mouths as they said muffled words to me._

_I looked back to his body watching them press down over and over again on his chest._

_I lay down beside him, ignoring the blurry people who grabbed at me._

"_It's just all a bad dream." I said._

_To no one in particular._

_The muffled scene around me shifted into darkness, and I cried, silently to myself._

_I heard a bell ring, a slight trickle of a sound, like that of a cats bell._

_A small form bounded into my sight._

_It meowed._

"_The cat." I said in a deadpan voice._

"_The cat that saved my life."_

He opened his eyes.

His cheeks felt hot, and sticky as if he had been crying.

Funny. He thought to himself.

I don't remember dreaming.

He stared at the ceiling.

"I wonder…What you're doing, right now. Brother..."

And his tears flowed freely. Just at the memory, of him.

He didn't know what to make of it.

Crying because of a dream he couldn't remember.

It must have been a distressing Dream.


	5. Doubt Hurts

Doubt Hurts

Trust.

Did he trust anyone?

Himself? No. Not himself.

His father? He couldn't bear to, after he made his father cry.

His brother. Yes. How could it matter, now that he was dead?

No one...

The hospital room almost seemed eerie at this time of night, soft flickering lights that dotted the parking lot mildly reminded himself of old western gallows, but only because they were high and he wished he could hang himself on them.

Suffocation...It didn't seem so bad. He was already practically suffocating in self-guilt anyways.

His brother died for him. That was his guilt. His pain. His bane. Why, brother? Why for me? Why didn't you let me die? Then you could be alive and well, instead of me!

His father. His father cried at his brother's funeral. The only one there that was not feigning sadness. Yes. He saw those other relatives dabbing the corners of their eyes. Those liars.

He did it. He made his father cry. He made his brother die.

His brother died for him... Did that make him his brother's killer? Was he really just avenging his brother's death in some twisted way? By killing himself was he avenging his brother?

No. He was not. He was sure if his brother was alive...His brother would be crying right now... For him... Trying to help him... He didn't want help, he wanted to die. Because he let the one person that mattered to him, sacrifice himself. The one person he could honestly say, he loved. His brother loved him. Which meant… His brother loved him more than anything and he let out a little chock of a sob. At this point tears were running freely down his face, and he felt a burden like no other.

He looked over to his side table and sighed. Two cards sat there, paining him to a horrible extent. One was from his father. It read; I love you son. Don't worry; I'll try my best to make you happy again. He remembered practically bawling when the nurse set it down beside him, and he shook away the thought. Would his father cry more if he died? He shook that thought away too.

No. No, thinking about that. He already decided his father couldn't stop him. And the other one to his growing dismay was from the man named Gilbert. He hated that man. The man who made him feel things again he no longer wanted to feel. It said; get better birdie, don't die on me! He groaned, closing his eyes. He had been there for a week and was told the man named gilbert had frequented his room, but, now here's the catch, only at night when he was safely sedated in bed. He hated the little white pills that stopped him from telling that man off. The same went for his father and his face saddened. His father visited him every night after his shift. He wished he could roll over, the position with restrains were agonizingly uncomfortable after a long time. He settled tired and emotionally drained just like on the roof, but now he didn't have the luxury of freezing to death. Now he had to live, and that was more painful than any death he could ever think of. He hated his life, and everything that ever happened to him. Because every flickering emotion on his family members faces, every jolt of a smile played across somebody's lips that was directed at him, gave him a pain most unimaginable. The pain of others kindness was too much to bear. He deserved no kindness. He felt it such a sickening waste for them to shine it on him. What a waste….

He awoke with eyes closed. A rumbling? His seat was vibrating softly under him; loud whooshing sounds bustled by with a screaming honk. Was he moving? He heard a window shut and opened his eyes. His father was putting out a cigarette in front of him, dark bags brazing his eyes, he looked to the adjustable mirror above his head and smiled with a tired expression.

"Hey son," His father croaked British lit edging his every syllable.

"Dad…." He said sadly taking in the dejected sight in front of him. His father was obviously worried sick. Guess whose fault that was.

"Son…" His father continued quietly, fearful of him as if he would break at any word.

Who knows… Maybe he would.

"I…I was so worried. Why? Why would you…" His father searched his eyes expectedly but didn't find the young cheery boy he once knew.

"I was just…so worried…about you..." His father turned back towards the road and shook his head. He saw something glistened on his father's face and he felt ill. His father was crying. Also his fault. His fault, his fault, it echoed in his head, grimacing he drew his eyes to the floor. He could almost hear his heart audibly snap and shatter into pieces. What he feared more than anything next to losing his brother had happened.

He made his father cry again.

Stupid! Useless! Look what you've done! You can never stop hurting people! Wasn't causing your brother's death enough! He curled into himself barely wincing at the physical pain of his injuries. He was tangled in a web of barbwire that constricted his every movement, the only escape was death, and he knew it.

Pain… Make it end… Death… Pain… Make it end…. Death.

He played it over in his head over and over again, until it matched the beating of his heart. Yes, he would end this no matter what.

"Dad….I' am sorry..."

"I know son. I know." Whether his father believed that or not he didn't know, but whatever made him feel better was fine. His father pulled into the two story suburban home and sighed. This obviously wasn't either of their days. The older man helped him out of the Volvo and he tried not to wince when his arm jerked to the right painfully. His neck brace was off as well as his leg cast and factures in his right arm were healed quite sturdily. Now for the tough ones. Five broken ribs still a ruddy purplish gray colour adorned his chest, decorated with a left arm broken in several places and sprained ankle. How he managed to heal his other injuries so quickly he would never know, but was very glad to be home and out of the hospital none the less. The air outside was crisply clean, scratching its way down his throat so used to stuffy hospital drafts and laboured breathing, his road to recovery was a long one. His father supported him though he could do it himself, but after a warning look he stopped struggling and let his father help. He set down gently on the chesterfield and adjusted himself comfortably. He had a feeling this would be a long night. His father stared at him for a long time, not moving an inch and he shifted uncomfortably wondering if he should say something… Anything, just to get him to look up from his bandaged arm.

"Son." His father started and he grimaced.

"I know your brother's death was hard on you but there's no call for killing yourself! What would your brother say?" He knew what his brother would say, but instead of reciting it he closed his eyes. Just take it… Just take his every word. You have a knife hiding upstairs under your drawers, just wait a little longer. "I love you, son. So much. More than you could ever imagine. You and your brother, but this is no way to go about things! What about your future!" He had no future. His future was upstairs waiting for him in an oak drawer. He stayed silent. His father's head was in his hands blond hair muffled and dry as if he hadn't slept for weeks. Knowing his father he probably hadn't at all.

"Please…Please, Mathew… Don't die; I don't know if I could handle it. I don't know if I could live without my other son." At this moment he wished even more fervently that he died instead of his brother that night, and he tried to get the plea out of his head, but the word still remained. Please His father had said. His father never begged for anything, not ever, only for his life to continue. That was his father's one request. How he wished he could fulfill it, but he was already dead. He died with his brother, at the funeral. He was just a living dead boy, dead on the inside but in so much pain. He hurt. He wanted it to end. He wanted death. The end of his guilt. The end of him.

"I just want you to be happy... How? How can I make you happy again? How can I make it better? How can I help you move on?"

How, how, how. He didn't know how. How could the dead think? He couldn't. How could the dead laugh? He wouldn't. He was already condemned, to his rightful place. His very grave. Yes… Soon. Soon will be the time. He opened his eyes.

"I' am going to take a bath." He said flatly.

"Yes… Of course… I' ll check on you in a few minutes." His father eyed him with distrust.

He got up on wobbly legs shuffling towards the staircase. He sighed dragging himself up the steps flinching every now and then trying not to fall. His bedroom. His salvation. He couldn't stop the grin stretching across his face. At long last, death!

He saw a flash of himself in front of a mirror crimson eyes raging.

What? He held his head.

What the hell was that?

Stresses, imagination, near death experiences, were all plausible answers but he couldn't shake the sick feeling of bloodlust that came over him. He wanted to die… but. He wasn't insane… Was he? He shook his head. Flashing images were normal in the human brain; he was sure he saw a study on it somewhere. Or hoped he did. He continued across the stairs to his door handle, with a more somber approach this time. His dresser… He poked at the bottom of the drawer revealing a small razor sharp knife. He grabbed it, holding it firmly over his wrist with shaky hands. He was going to do it! Tears clouded his vision so he wiped at them half-heartedly. He would end it!...Really…He would… He remembered his father's smiling face one arm over him the other on his equally glowing brothers shoulder. An old family photo taken a year before his brother's death, before he burned it. His father crying, his brother smiling, and him forever in the middle of his own dying world.

No! He pressed the blade down harder tears flowing effortlessly down red cheeks. I' am sorry dad…I' am sorry Alfred… He saw a glance of gilbert, standing over him face concerned and righteous.

"Kid!"

He dropped the knife toppling to the floor with it.

"Damn it! Why! Why can't I do it!" He sobbed, staring at the thin red line on his wrist. It was hardly fatal. It's your fault…. The man came to mind again and he glared at it through closed eyes. He hated himself, for not being able to end it. Stupid! Useless! All the regular profanity's surged through drenched lips and he shuttered for the last time, all cried out. The emptiness came again but not as strongly, it only tickled his edges of his pain.

Why?...

You know why. He heard somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind.

You know that you want to live deep inside.

Lies! Lies! He assured the voice. He could feel the voice smile. Yes by this point he was sure he was mad as can be, but he indulged in it anyways.

No. You want to live.

Why? What do I have to live for?

Yourself.

I hate myself!

You do not.

I want to die!

You do not.

I do...

You do not.

He stayed silent. Didn't he want to die? Why wouldn't I want to die?

You want to live.

You've already said that.

Because it's true. Your brother loves you.

So? He's dead.

Your father loves you.

I know that already… But he can't stop me.

You stopped yourself.

I' am useless.

You are not.

It's true I' am.

You are not.

Stop doing that! He squished his eyes closer together as if trying to squeeze the voice out of his eyes balls. The voice went silent until…

He loves you.

Who? He was too tired of the emotions raging through his body to care.

Gilbert.

What?

Gilbert.

I heard you! But why does he!

He does.

What do you mean by that?

He does.

He growled angrily. So what is your solution to my problems? Huh! Answer me!

Live.

It hung there, etching itself into his head. Live. It was so simple, no if, ands or buts, just live. He was too tired to live. Too taxed, too far gone for his own good.

Start anew.

Was it that simple?

Yes.

I see… He stayed silent contemplating the reality of it. Could he really start anew? He didn't have much to begin with. To be a different stronger Mathew... How was he to go about doing that?

Try.

And that's all the voice said as it faded into the distance of his mind. Funny, he mused to himself. The voice reminded him of his brother… Somehow…

He picked himself off the floor still thinking. Was it just that easy? Could he wipe away his old life and start again? Impossible… Try it had said. So maybe he should try? No… Why? Why not? Because… Because why? He argued with himself not understanding. Should he try? He knew somewhere inside he should. But he couldn't… How could he?

The door bell rung and he kicked the knife to under his bed to deal with later. He stormed down the stairs spying a slumbering father on the chesterfield. He could have gotten away with dying in his room.. But now he knew he was absolutely incompetent. So what now? If he couldn't do it, what could he do? Live… Was it that simple? Could it be that simple? Why not? He opened the door and his face went scarlet.

"You!" He screamed getting cut off before he could spout a well-aimed 'Bastard' in the albino's direction.

Gilbert's lips were on his and his world went blank again. Gilbert smiled into the kiss and he felt himself falling deeper into the others embrace.

You did it again.

You made me feel alive.

That's when I decided that life was worth living.

Was it all because of you?


	6. Shove The Love Away

Shove The Love Away.

"What are you doing here?" He growled trying to fool himself more than anyone that he was unfased.

"Came to see how you were doing" The man named gilbert beamed, making his insides twitch uncomfortably. There was something in that smile that reminded him of his brother. He wanted that smile to stop.

Crack!

"What the hell was that for!" Gilbert clutched his red cheek wincing slightly.

He started to shake uncontrollably tears starting to furiously coarse down his face just as he thought he was finally finished crying.

"Whoa, whoa, _whoa_ birdie! Why are you crying?"

"Shut up" He moaned curling his arms into himself unable to stop. Gilbert wrapped his arms around him murmuring softly into his hair.

"stop.." He tried meekly. "Why are you doing this? W-why won't you leave me alone?"

Silence.

"I really don't know."

Well that was reassuring.

"Why couldn't you just... Why me?.. "He wasn't listening anymore deciding to sink to the floor leaving gilbert standing over him. Gilbert sighed and muttered something about 'what damaged products people have become', sitting on the ground next to me leaning against the entrance wall, closing the door with his foot.

"Damn.. I-it" he huffed, hating the feeling of being so weak.

Gilbert sighed again and stared at the ceiling waiting for his outburst to be finished. He stopped after another few minutes shuffling towards the wall resting his head lightly on its cool surface.

"Better?"

"Not...Really..."

"Ah." Gilbert continued to stare at the wall.

He relished in the emptiness he felt. Cold. Controlled and hollow. It did the job, right? At least it stopped the pain? The pain was becoming smaller already, shrinking away into a tiny concentrated ball that churned ominously in his chest. How could one, horrible man be his salvation?

Gilbert wrapped an arm around his shoulder and he winced. Gilbert still stared at the ceiling clutching him tighter to his chest.

"It's five."

"...so?"

"Dinner?"

"No thanks..."

"Don't be like that birdie!"

He wrinkled his nose at the pet name distastefully.

"You know I' am awesome! Why wouldn't you go out with me?"

"Not interested in bastards." He moved his head to gilberts shoulder closing his eyes. He felt so tired, it wasn't fair.

"Coffee then?"

"It's dark out."

"It's daylight savings time"

He scowled through closed eyelids. He hadn't been out for what seemed like ever.

"On one condition"

"What's that?" He could feel him grinning beside him.

"Why are you so into me?" He was in front of gilbert now. Eyes hard and unforgiving, reaction dependent on gilberts very next words. Gilberts eyes went a bit glassy to a faraway place and his grin turned into a faint smile.

"I remember, you all sprawled out laying on the pavement like a wine splotch on a table cloth, and thought, 'what a mess', but then I took a closer look, and you looked like them. So meek and broken, I...well I felt sympathetic I guess. Your cute face didn't help a bit" Gilbert beamed again. With his face still stony he gestured the man to go on.

"I called the ambulance of course, pressing down on an especially bloody spot, it's a miracle you survived that jump at all, but anyways. I saw a kid. A stupid kid, that needed help and something just tweaked I guess. I visited you for weeks while you were in the hospital even passing your father on the way out, nice man by the way. And that kiss..." Gilbert got quiet staring off into space.

"I didn't understand it. I thought I was straight ya know? haha!" The silver haired man laughed a bit, dying down as his eyes kept studying him, now thoughtful.

"But then I figured, hey who gives a shit, and went with it. I don't know why or how but I just feel a pull, ya know? A shift, a need. You're so breakable and small I feel like you need a friend."

He pouted.

"What's up with that face! I just gave you the most awesome confession you'll ever know and you pout? dumb kid..."

"I' am not a kid!"

"Right, right, Birdie."

"And I' am not a bird."

Gilbert flashed one of his signature grins and continued.

"You are now, Birdie boy."

"When you said reminded of-"

He was cut off by a kiss, sucking the breath out of him again.

"They are irrelevant."

Gilberts expression was dangerous and calculating, making his heart quicken. But the expression was gone in a flash and was replaced by a warm smile leaving him stunned from the change of cold to hot. What was that? What was that face? The one so alike to a monster? Gilbert was reminding him of a lot of people today and it was quite off putting.

"Let's go" Gilbert wrenched him up to his feet pulling him out of the house.

"Wait! What about my Dad?"

"Oh yeah." Gilbert looked down at his broken arm and rib tape frowning.

"I'll go talk to him." The man let go of his hand walking into the den where his father slept.

"Not without me!" He trailed behind him.

At that moment he wondered, If this was first time he realized Gilberts importance? Sucking the breath from his hapless form, he couldn't help but to be completely enamored. No matter how much he hated the man, he was finally getting better.

Finally.

Perhaps I should continue to shove the love away.


	7. Just Lunch

It's Just Lunch

"I said wait!" Gilbert stood over the sleeping man nudging him gently.

"Sir? Sir do you mind?" His father rustled mumbling something incoherent. Rubbing his eyes the brit looked up an expression of shock flashing across his face.

"Gilbert!" The silver haired man smiled sheepishly. "Just couldn't stay away from my boy couldn't you?" His father prodded jokingly.

"Dad..." He inquired quietly. The police man looked over to his bandaged son, with a jolt his father realised he had fallen asleep. Looking over the de-shelved older man he felt anger pulling at his sides. he could have made it. He could have ended it all. No. No more of that. He closed his eyes for a moment. It was time to get better. Another sensation tugged at him. stronger. different. darker. what was it?

Who says?

Shit. Who are you? Why were there more voices? This one didn't remind him of his brother. No, it was much worse. It sounded like a madman.

Who says you should get better?

Shut up.

Awe, don't be that way. You didn't act like this to the other voice.

I said shut up. Go away! This was wrong. This was bad.

But why?

Because your wrong. Its time for me to be happy. He wanted these thoughts out of his head. He wanted to stop thinking he was crazy. He wanted to be happy. He wanted Gilbert.

So be it.

He snapped back to reality holding his arms closely to his chest.

"Birdie!" Gilbert was grasping his shoulders with a concerned expression. "You zoned out! Are you okay?"

He frowned. "I am fine." He brushed Gilbert off biting his lip. "I am just tired." He reassured himself more than anyone. Yes. Tired. That was a safe presumption, lets save the crazy accusations for the morning.

"Nope I don't think so Birdie." Gilbert shook his finger accordingly dropping his concern for the moment. "I believe we have a date."

"I am sorry, but what?" His father raised his eyebrow. He suppressed the urge to crawl into a pit and fester, but it occurred to him that he had already wished this upon him self on multipule occasions. So what was one more time? He chewed his bottom lip.

"Hey, Hey! Birdie knock it off! your gonna bleed everywhere!" Gilbert cupped his cheek. He stopped stomach fluttering violently in response.

"Never mind. I do not want to ask. Have a very nice time with your friend son. You deserve a night out."

He nodded as Gilbert shook his fathers hand accordingly.

What could go wrong?

I told you to leave. Everything stayed silent. He needed help. Taking Gilbert's had he was led out into the snow filled yard, the man eyeing slippery coated pavement with worry.

"Easy now."

He wouldn't admit he could blush. Or that he was. What was wrong with him! He settled down silently in the passenger seat resting his head on the cold glass. Before he knew it he was awake and out of the black ferari with a dreamless sleep and gently carried into a coffee shop. To be honest. It was a surprise.

Gilbert quickly ordered two beverages and a pastry he was unsure he wanted to see or not, stomach still full of hospital food and churning from Gilbert's grin.

"Cheer up." The surprisingly german sounding american accent drawled. "You look like your cat died."

He grimaced. "Gilbert..."

"Yes?

He stared at the table eyes drooping. "I think there is something wrong with me."

"What do you mean?" Gilbert frowned. "You just took it pretty hard. Your tired don't try to think too hard about it."

"I think... I might have taken it a little too hard." Gilbert stayed silent quietly assessing him.

"I black out some times... And hear voices." Why was he saying this? Wouldn't this put Gilbert off? What more could he do? He was a suicidal teenager trying to piece back together his life that broke when his brother saved him.

"Your tired." Then why was he here with Gilbert? Why did he like the man? He wasn't gay! He couldn't even speak to girls! He... He...

"Yeah... I guess."

"Come on. You can stay at my place tonight."

"What about my dad?"

"You don't want to be in that stuffy place, get some fresh air and new faces." Gilbert smiled.

He nodded sleepily. Mind starting to blur, he couldn't control his thoughts or emotions. He needed rest. Time to think. Fix himself up. Stuff like that... He hardly noticed pulling into a small apartment parking lot, or being helped up the stairs.

What was wrong with him?

Slowly he was laid on his back comfortable duve curling around him. He was so tired, he could hardly see. Gilbert lay next to him a slight smile on his face.

"Don't worry. I 'll help you get set straight."

He eyed him wearily, blinking in and out of focus.

"I think I love you Birdie."

But how could you love a monster? He thought he promised himself he would stop referring to himself in that way. He didn't care. He was too tired.

"I am sorry."

What was wrong with him?

"About what Birdie?"

"I don't know.. If I am..."

"Gay?" Gilbert finished.

"Sorry..."

"How can you not know if you haven't tried, Mathew?" That was the first time in a while Gilbert had called him by his name. The silver haired man brought a hand up grasping his chest. "I can feel it Mathew. The beating of your heart. It beats faster around me. I see those side cast looks and silent smiles, I am not blind ya know."

"What are you a poet?" He inquired.

"Please. For me, try just once." Gilbert pleaded releasing his full stare.

His bottom lip quivered. "I don't know Gilbert... I am scared. I just..."

Gilbert took his head in his warm hands. "I know your scared but... I can't get you out of my mind. I can't let you go..."

He stared. "...Okay."

What was wrong with him?

His stomach flipped as Gilbert pressed his lips gently on his own, instantly lapping his tongue at his bottom lip asking for entrance. He hesitated, obliging only when the dread stopped crawling up his torso, feeling the soft tounge envople his mouth. It serched deeper swirling in a trance inducing dance, it was invigerating. He pulled away from the kiss turning his head. This was wrong. Then why did it feel so right?

"No... Gilbert..." Gilbert moved his minstrations to his neck, nibbling at his juglar while moving a steady hand over the taught medical tape. "Gilbert." He said a little louder fear quivering in his voice. Gilbert stopped for a moment not looking him in the eye. "I am tired... and.. I don't know about this... I don't know if I can be... gay." A finger was placed over his lips quietly.

"Shhh, baby. I ll be gentle with you." Panic flew threw him as Gilbert moved his hand down father cupping his crotch, still nipping gently at his ear.

"Please..." Another soft kiss and he couldn't think anymore. He could feel guilty in the morning.

Gilbert started to run small circles over the spot making him shiver and shake, grasping Gilbert shoulders his mind fell into a pleasnt haze.

"Are you a virgin?" Gilbert asked suddenly.

He blushed biteing the bottom of his lip in his signiture nervous expression."Y-yes..."

"Heh." Gilbert kissed the other side of his neck. "I'll make you feel really good then."

He whimpered, unsure whether to be aroused or horified. He had never been in a relationship in his life. At this moment he really had to ask himself.

Did he want this?

Gilbert gave a reasuring smile, slowly unzipping his pants. If this went through his first time would be with a man. He would have gilbert. No... Gilbert would have he wanted this. He wanted Gilbert to be there for him no matter the price. Why did he love this stranger so much?

What was wrong with him?

there was no time for hazy thoughts because the man was speaking again.

"Mathew. I want you to know I am doing this because I love you. I want you to be happy." He continued rubbing small cirlcles making him jerk unexpectidely. Tears started to well up in his eyes.

"W-why?"

"Because." Gilbert pulled in for a long kiss. "Thats what people do when they fall for someone."

He looked like a deer caught in head lights. It dawned on him. Gilbert was telling the truth. For once in his life he felt his barriers slipping, those carefully placed fears and restrictiongs giving way to... What was it? That warm happy feeling so alike to the one building in his crotch. He felt himself slipping into a smile. It was true. Gilbert really cared for him. He managed to wrap his arms around Gilberts neck bringing him down into a feirce kiss, tounges mingliing together only to be brought apart to make room for a sentance.

"Gilbert... Please.. Take me... Be gentle." He managed, face turning a soft flush of rose.

Gilbert stroked his cheek finally bringing the boys pants down revealing a semi hard member. Smiling Gilbert cooed quietly "Look at you... So.. delicate like a lamb to slaughter. I am going to take you." He moaned, "Take your first time. You belong with me Mathew." Gilbert bought his head down, fingers trailing tingles with him. He settled at his pelvis eyeing the member with a smile. Carefully he grabbed the base stroking it upwards in an orderly motion pulling the foreskin with it, bringing it down again. With a flick of his tongue and a roguish grin he lent down envolping the head in his mouth swirling that taintilizing touge around it, making the young boy shudder above. "nuugghh~" Gilbert moved his head around, bobbing it until he sarted to buck into gilberts mouth, a string of shaky moans lacing the air. The silver haired man touged the slit then removing his mouth all together to the boys disapointment. Gilbert instead dragged his tongue down the base of the hard cock, spreading ivory cheeks apart to reveal a pert pink hole. He moved in tracing his wet muscle along its edges, prodding it gently now and again. Above him the boy was moaning and whimpering quietly as if he couldnt decide what he wanted. Gilbert pushed his tounge in rubbing up against his tight walls, coating it with a fair ammount of saliva. He heard a gasp above him and watched as precum beaded at the tip of the ivory cock. He gohsted his hand over the member relishing in the moans he heard above him groing louder by the second. Reaching down into his own pants undoing them qickly, he stroked himself in unison. "Oh god, Mathew..." He mustered in between nipping his thighs.

"G-gilbert... Please..." Gilbert nodded bringing two fingers to his mouth. Matthew shook his head instread taking gilberts fingers to his own sucking them gently. Gilbert smiled at the unexpected ocurence enjoying the show. After a thick coat of silavia was running down his digits gilbert pulled away, pressing a finger against the puckered hole. Mathew whimpered above him, rutting into the tintruding digit. That was just like Birdie, always doing what he didn't want to do. Whimpering while he wanted to moan, rutting when he needed to arch. Gilbert pushed in further, wiggling his finger a little until pushing a second one in. A breathy gasp and a shutter greeted this movement, causing Gilbert to hold the base of his cock to stop it from going over. "Mathew." Gilbert Bit the inside of his cheek. "Tell me. Tell me you want me too." Gilbert stared into the lust hazed eyes of the young boy, whose mouth opened as if to say something but only managed to quietly moan. "Please." Gilbert rested his forehead on the boys hand.

"Gilbert.. I-" The words stopped in his throat. "I need you, so much. Inside of me..." Gilbert silently pushed a third finger in, creating a suction sort of sound. It sounded dirty to his ears. "P-please... I need.. y-your.. Cock.." He squeezed his eyes shut, gnawing on his bottom lip. The tense coil of heat twisted in his stomach. He was telling the truth. He needed Gilbert. Now. Every second of stalled time was torture to his painfully hard cock. So it was true. He really was gay.

"I want you to say my name." The boy shuttered, getting a glimpse of a dark expression. Lust bound and dangerous, like his crimson eyes could swallow him whole. He became hypnotized again, drowning in the fire letting it consume him. It was painful yet so very alive as he felt something inside of him break free. Like a demon it took over leaving the old broken boy behind with fire scorching though his veins twisting and entwining in a dangerous dance of death. And in that destruction he found rebirth. He found rapture. He found Gilbert's cock pressed up against his own.

And I loved it. I let Mathew slip under giving me full control. I was in charge now, not weak little Mathew.

"Gilly." I moaned. Gilbert looked up a little put off by the change in pace.

"Matthew?"

"Come on~" I rocked rymthicly,. Enough with the bullocks, I want to savour being here while I still can. Gilbert watched on with wide eyes.

"Gilly?"

I smiled, placing a chaste kiss on Gilberts brow. Taking it unto my own hands I rubbed the two members together moaning in appreciation. This was going to be fun.

"hugn... Mathew.." Gilbert hissed.

"Hmm~?" I leaned in with a grin so uncharacteristic to be worn by mathews face. our face.

"This isn't like you."

I stared. "What?" Gilbert cupped the boys cheek, removing his hand from their members. My eyes grew. The jig is up, isn't it?

"I-I"

I didn't remember doing anything wrong. Wasn't this how you had sex?

"G-gilly, don't be like that!" I tried to nip at his collar bone, sliding out of his grip. He shudders above me and I can't help but smile. "Nothings wrong." I give him a reassuring face looking him right in the eye. He stops mouth turned in a sad line.

"Your iris's turned red." He states quietly and I panic.

"W-what are you talking about? I am Matthew..." He frowns now, my heart skipping a beat.

"I... Didn't say you weren't." Gilbert states. Shit. I am in trouble.

"What's going on?" He sounds concerned. My, our, erection aches painfully.

"Who are you?"

"I am who ever you want me to be gilly baby." I cup his face grinning, I hope it hides my fear. "Come on, lets have a great time~"

"I want Matthew."

"I am Matthew" I whine. Matthew should be getting a hold of himself soon, and I am not strong enough to hold him back. Yet. I have to do something quick. I smash my lips on his rutting indistinctly and god it feels so good. "Hungh~" I draw out, kissing down his neck. "Please?"

"I am sorry Matthew... I should have listened to you."

No, no, no, no!

"Please... What is it about him? Why can't you love me too?" Why can't you leave me to love Matthew myself? He's mine, apart of me, You can't have him. I can feel my eyes darken.

"Why can't you just leave us alone."

"Because. I love him."

For some reason that makes my heart hurt. How foolish. I can't feel pain. Matthew starts tugging back and I frown. There is no time left, so I leave him with a warning.

"You fuck with Mattie and you fuck with me." My eyes flash and I grin. "Knowing me, I will kill you and anything that gets between us." Matthew was weak, but he is mine. Gilbert looks shocked by my words. I cant help but put in one more thought before I recede back into Matthews mind.

"I'll always be watching, Gilly." With a flash of my eyes, they return to Matthews and I fall asleep for a while. Its tiring to be in control.

His eyes flutter lethargically. "G-Gilbert?" He croaks quietly. Gilbert is still leaning over the boy a look of shock across his face. "Gilbert! I-I am sorry, is it something I did?" He sputters franticly.

"No, No." The man snaps out of it. "Its just... I spaced out for a second. Where were we?" Gilbert smiles reassuringly barely hiding his concerned expression. He can only wonder what he did before Gilbert's lips where on his again. The boy arches as he feels the blunt end of a throbbing cock at his entrance.

"hah...Hahah... G-Gilbert?" His eyes prick with tears. "T-this seems k-kinda.. r-ahhh...sshhh..."

"Mmm? Sorry?" Gilbert keeps pushing in inch by inch incredibly slow. It hurts, it hurts so much, his ring of muscle burns as it stretches and the boy clings to Gilbert's mostly clothed body.

"R-rash... Uhhh.. Hah.. Please.. S-slower" He crushes his eyes shut with a whimper. Gilbert obeys kissing the boys cheeks and eyelids.

"I love you, I love you so much."

Silly. How could you love him? You hardly know him... Then why was he doing this? Letting Gilbert love him? It was too late to think.

"Haahh~ G-Gilbert.. I-I.." Gilbert stops filling the boy to his brim whimpering slightly as he accommodates the girth.

"Y-yes, Matthew?" The man leans down for a kiss, letting it break slowly.

"I love you." The boy sputters out, almost sure of his words.

"I know." The silver haired man laps at the boys nipples sucking it with a nip letting it go.

"Are you?" Gilbert's anticipation can be heard quivering in his voice.

"Just.. A little.. Longer.." The boy winces. The man reaches down stroking his cock to sooth the pain making him jolt. The boy instantly regrets the action biting his lip to lessen the pain. Was it always this bad? Gilbert cant help himself, he starts moving in agonizingly short thrusts, gently.

"T-Tell me.. What you're.. T-thinking." Anything to make him slow down a bit. The pain was subsiding but a little bit more wouldn't hurt.

"I am thinking.. You are so god damn tight it hurts.. In a good way. Ya know?"

"Y-yeah.." He didn't really know.

"I am going to.."

"Okay.." He braces himself feeling the slick movement of Gilbert sliding out and back in. He whimpers feeling Gilbert's hand on his cock stroking it up with each thrust. The pace speeds up, and Gilbert's breath becomes ragged.

"Oh god" He moans squinting at the boy below him. He simply shutters gripping the sheets around him.

"G-Gil- Ah! Oh!, t-there!" Something sets alight in his body. Gilbert has found the most exquisite place rubbing and pushing into it relentlessly and the pain fades away to such pleasure he could almost black out.

"M-more!" He breaks out moving towards each thrust as they grow faster. The thrusting becomes deep hardy pounding Gilbert gasping in delight as the boy squirms and shudders.

"Oh, oh! Ahh Y-yes!" The boy starts to lose himself in the incredible heat feeling every nerve spark and flutter. He is close, so close, Looking up into Gilbert's crimson eyes he freezes in ecstasy.

Crying out Gilbert's name he rides his orgasm to completion never looking away from those fiery orbs. A few erratic thrusts later Gilbert buries himself in the boys tight heat pulsing thick streams of seed into him. To be honest it was the best orgasm of his life.

Tears fall from the boys eyes as he starts to black out. A whispered "I love you." and a chaste kiss on his temple leaves the boy exhausted falling into a deep sleep.

"Poor kid." Gilbert smiles. "I must have really tired him out." Shakily Gilbert removes himself frowning at the aftermath. Blood and semen soaked the sheets and blankets clinging to the bed. Carefully Gilbert lifts him up moving through the hall into the living room. Setting him gently on the couch the man places a pillow behind his head and covers the boy with a warm blanket getting to work on the bed. He would deal with cleaning the boy tomorrow. Was it too soon to say he loved the kid? What was he saying of course he did if not a little. Too bad about his brother though, Alfred wasn't it?

Funny, he was pretty sure he offed a guy with that name. Oh god. He stares at the boy in horror.

That was the first night I spent with you. Was I the helpless one? Were we not both in denial? It looks like, just lunch turned into something much more. And yet I realised then, our relationship wasn't perfect. There were two sides to me after all. Quite literally in fact. But I know one thing from that night.

Of course we both love each other. Of course we meant it. If that was the case then...

Why was I crying?

(AN: DUN DUN DUN. Anyway, I ll be updating every Saturday, sorry for the inconvenience. Feel free to review. Oh and I didn't proof read it :d and I don't like these Beta ninny's you all speak of.)


	8. Switching Point

Switching point

"Oh god." I Covered my mouth with a shaky palm. I helped kill this kids brother. Matthew murmurs a little lifting an eyelid and rolls over.

"G-Gilbert?" He rubs his eyes slowly. "Why are you still up?"

"Sorry, just have a little cleaning to do." I let out a weak smile. This is bad.

"Okay..." He closes his eyes.

Shit, this is really bad.

I Killed his brother.

_"Hey would you hurry it up?" I groan, this guy annoys the hell out of me. "Shut up, its done when its done." The car stirs to life, the divers door pinging. I quickly shut it and motion him inside._

_He settles down with a sigh. _

_"What do we have tonight?" I murmur pulling out a pack of cigarettes. _

_"Dunno, some kid, seems his father has a nice position with the cops and needs a little discourgment. Been screwing around in the boss's drug trades."_

_"Why not kill the cop?" I let out a thick cloud, flicking ashes on the fine leather seats._

_"Says kids are better. Cops will get too far into it if one of their own dies or some shit."_

_"Sounds like a crappy excuse to me. The guys probably too protected or something."_

_"Guess so." I'am not partiuarlly found of this slimy prick but someone has to do the dirty work around here. I pull it into drive glancing over my shoulder. "So where is this kid?"_

_"Around Bradfeild Ave, just cruise around for a bit, you'll see em."_

_"Kay." We drove around for a good half an hour, while I grew bored outta my fucking mind, but before I knew it (and before I drove into a wall for some entertainment) two young men crossed the street, and my breath moment tarily caught in my throat. This kid, longish blonde hair, blushing face, stray hairs, he was fucking hot- wait. What the hell am I thinking? I am no faggot, and this kid..._

_"Hey is that our hit?" I point in the two teens path._

_"Shit, yeah, pull up." I block the alleyway, watching in the shadows. He gets out, brushing himself off with a grin and whispered "Showtime~". Idiot. I look back to the kids backing against the wall the sandy blonde moving in front of the lighter blonde. I sit back, soon enough that pretty little face will be splattered across the concrete. I couldn't help but feel a little talk for a few minutes and I check the dashboard clock twice. He's dragging it out, gonna get killed some time. I hear a shot get fired and my heart wrenches considerably. I convince myself its only because he had so much to live for, not because for one moment in my life... I had an interest in something other than myself. Bullshit. I hear sirens and glance over. What? That fucking idiot! The sandy blonde's on the ground the smaller guy shaking him or something and that dumbass is just standing over the two of em pointing a gun. I yell out the window and he glances over. I don't have time for this, pulling out I turn down the next street and again thrice more until I get a considerable distance, that bastard can rot in jail for all I care. I go down the main stretch and pull into the ship yard spotting the usual place._

_I get out of the car slowly, tapping a short rythm on the nearest crate whith a whispered "Yo, I need to see Boss Feli, the idiot got boned and might turn snitch, druggies are still in the compromise, ya scheißt lassen Sie mich in seine Gilbert." I run off in german as I usually do._

_"Roger." With a clank the door opens to a set of stairs, while a broad man stands to the side. My eyes narrow. "Funny, I didn't notice your accent when you let me in, russisch schwein."_

_That earns a gun pointed to my temple and I grit my teeth._

_"vat a very un-nice thing to say дурочка, just because you speak in your mother tongue does not mean I can't pick out ve english sounding bits, da?" _

_With a glare I brush the gun to the side. "traurig." I spit with hate. He beams at this of course._

_"Vas that so hard, мой маленький немецкий дурак." I want to tell him not to spout his disgusting language at me but I bite my lip instead. With a curt nod I make my way down the stairs._

_"Gilbert! Ciao! How are you?" The brunette grins, tipping his cap. "The hit went well I presume?" I visibly shiver. This is bad. Felicano is fucking with me._

_"Not exactly..." His eyes flash, smile disappearing slowly from his face in an almost theatrical way. His auburn eyes grow fierce and for a moment I fell the need to cringe, but push it off. You know what they say, two for cringing. Bullets in the head I guess in my case._

_"Took too long, got the cops coming, if I went back for him he woul-"_

_"Do I look like I give a cazzo! Si dice che cazzo bastardo non tornare più!" He slams his fist on the table beside him and scowls. "Ludwig! Make sure he doesn't snitch on our 'operation'." _

_My gut curls as my big brother gives me an icy glare._

_"Sir." He leaves without a second glance._

_"You." The boss points. I shutter._

_"Y-yes sir?"_

_"I have a nice little plan, for you."_

_"Yes sir.." Why is that all I can say?_

_He smiles now, in a sadistic way pulling a cigar out of his coat, lighting it with a few puffs of his mouth._

_"Take the night out, but watch your back. One wrong turn and I'll have your brother screw you up the wall." He spits in his heavy accent. I don't know what the hell he is going on about but I won't argue. "Then, I will call you and you will come. We will figure out how to deal with this situation. Capito?"_

_"Ja." I nod bad feelings scratching up my guts. This is bad right?_

_Weeks, to months passed, years even and the inspector kirkland got cockier. We shot him in the shoulder and the leg, almost killing him but to no avail. I forgot all about the kid who was supposed to be dead. The kid who stirred feelings inside me. But then again how could I really forget such a kid? There he was bleeding on the concrete and I think 'this is unfortunate' . The back of my mind nagged this was a good thing, but why? Cause another waste of space was off this planet?_

_"What a mess." The kid chokes on his own blood as I kneel down. I wonder if I should break his neck to put him out of his misery. He fell through a tree the stupid fuck, might has well have. I place my hands on either side of his head in a trained matter ready to snap it but I hear a noise. A cat? It rubs against my arm purring. I look down and get a look at the kid, and I mean really look at him._

_I gasp dropping his head immediately. He is beautiful. My hear wrenches, arms shake. What am I doing? His eyelids flutter taking one last glance at the sky before closing them forever._

_I make a sound. It is odd. A choking kind of gasp. I barely noticed it. Before I knew it I dropped the cell phone out of my hand. Had I just called the ambulance? Why was my vision blurring? Why was I pressing his chest again and again? Why the fuck am I so sad? I realise now, I am sobbing for this boy, this stranger like something inside of me was rushing out. All of those feelings of want and caring I thought I flushed out of my system ages ago was pushing through and this thing, this beautiful boy made it all happen with a look?_

_"Damn it! I-I can't let you! You are the only one..." I couldn't finish. The only what?_

_The only person I could learn to love. _

_Fuck._

_I said it didn't I? What is wrong with me? Why am I crying? The paramedics push me off taking over. I sit to the side orange blanket draped across my shoulders. I am distraught and incoherent. I am an idiot. A total idiot for liking this piece of trash lieing on the ground before me._

_So why did I? If it wasn't true?_

_I am such an idiot._

I snap back staring at the washing machine when a text rings in my pocket. With a shaky hand I untuck it from the newly cleaned jeans lifting it to my face. Its from boss.

_"Come here my friend, I have a plan for the stronzetto."_

No... No, this can't... I just...

Walking out into the living room Matthew lifts his head.

"Gilbert? Where are you going?"

"Oh nowhere, Birdie. Something come up at work I ll be back in a bit, you want anything?" He smiles slightly.

"No... Just for you to come back."

I peck him on the lips and turn around. I won't let him see me cry. I won't let him know... That I would do anything for him. For some reason... I think he knows.

_Shit._

AN: On Hiatus until further notice. I did not pre-read the chapter.


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